Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Forgiveness
I have a serious topic today that I’m hoping I’ll get a good response on… forgiveness. What does forgiveness mean to you? I have been harboring unforgiveness towards a family member for years now and I so want to forgive her but sometimes don’t know how or exactly what forgiving her means.
She has hurt me and several others over the years and very deeply hurt my Mom. I think the emotional pain she inflicted on my Mom is the hardest thing for me to move past. Even when my Mom was dying she made no effort to resolve any issues with her. At my Mom’s funeral she stood outside the church while it sprinkled rain until the service started, not wanting to be with the rest of my family. Several of us have been ignored in her presence for years. Now that my Mom is gone she has started to be more friendly to my Dad but refuses to join in any family get togethers. I can honestly say that I don’t know what she has against us. To this day I don’t know what any of us did to hurt her and so that makes it even harder to move forward. Back when all of this started my parents went to talk to her and tried to figure out what the issues were and get them resolved but she wasn’t willing to work towards that. My parents were more confused when they got back from that meeting than before they went.
I know that forgiving someone doesn’t mean that what they did was okay. But how do you forgive someone who continues to bring you emotional pain? I know that she will continue to haunt me.
I have been praying about his a lot lately. I have been asking God to help me forgive her even though I’m not sure what that looks like. I have been “listening” to things around me for insight as to what I’m supposed to do. I requested an audio CD from Family Life that talks about forgiveness. Many of their examples deal with things that have an end or a one time incident. One of the things they mention about forgiveness is to take the person you are wanting to forgive out of your court of judgment and handing them over to God’s court of judgment. Another thing that touched me was from a couple’s devotional that Todd and I share. It mentioned that while Jesus was dying on the cross he asked his Father to forgive his persecutors because they didn’t know what they were doing.
I know that the Bible says that we cannot be forgiven if we don’t forgive others first. I really want to move past this and to forgive. I know I cannot forget. How do I get where I need to be with this? I can tell you this – if I ever heard the words “Please forgive me” come out of her mouth I wouldn’t need anything more. I do know, however, that will never happen. Is this my pride getting in the way? What does forgiveness mean to you?
She has hurt me and several others over the years and very deeply hurt my Mom. I think the emotional pain she inflicted on my Mom is the hardest thing for me to move past. Even when my Mom was dying she made no effort to resolve any issues with her. At my Mom’s funeral she stood outside the church while it sprinkled rain until the service started, not wanting to be with the rest of my family. Several of us have been ignored in her presence for years. Now that my Mom is gone she has started to be more friendly to my Dad but refuses to join in any family get togethers. I can honestly say that I don’t know what she has against us. To this day I don’t know what any of us did to hurt her and so that makes it even harder to move forward. Back when all of this started my parents went to talk to her and tried to figure out what the issues were and get them resolved but she wasn’t willing to work towards that. My parents were more confused when they got back from that meeting than before they went.
I know that forgiving someone doesn’t mean that what they did was okay. But how do you forgive someone who continues to bring you emotional pain? I know that she will continue to haunt me.
I have been praying about his a lot lately. I have been asking God to help me forgive her even though I’m not sure what that looks like. I have been “listening” to things around me for insight as to what I’m supposed to do. I requested an audio CD from Family Life that talks about forgiveness. Many of their examples deal with things that have an end or a one time incident. One of the things they mention about forgiveness is to take the person you are wanting to forgive out of your court of judgment and handing them over to God’s court of judgment. Another thing that touched me was from a couple’s devotional that Todd and I share. It mentioned that while Jesus was dying on the cross he asked his Father to forgive his persecutors because they didn’t know what they were doing.
I know that the Bible says that we cannot be forgiven if we don’t forgive others first. I really want to move past this and to forgive. I know I cannot forget. How do I get where I need to be with this? I can tell you this – if I ever heard the words “Please forgive me” come out of her mouth I wouldn’t need anything more. I do know, however, that will never happen. Is this my pride getting in the way? What does forgiveness mean to you?
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7 Comments:
Good question, Lisa. I, too, struggle to forgive my mom for some (fairly) minor things that happened between the two of us when I was growing up. Every time I think I've gotten past them and forgiven her something else will come up and I'll realize some of the resentment is still lingering on. Oy vey!
However, in your circumstance, I think you need to give yourself a break. For one thing, you can't go back and change the past. She chose not to rectify things with your mom when she had the chance and she needs to live with that consequence - not you. I'll bet money your mom forgave her even if she didn't except or acknowledge it so you hanging on to it will not do anyone any good.
One thing my pastor said one week really stuck with me and that was that forgiveness is not always possible. Some times a person hurts us very deeply or many times over and, at that point, we need to turn to that person and say, "I'd love to work this out and find forgiveness here but you no longer have the right to continually make me feel like crap so until YOU are ready to take responsibility for your part in this, I am done. Reconciliation is still open to you but only after YOU take the responsibility and ask for the forgiveness. Until then, I will no longer be the doormat for your abuse.
I can find the message reference that he used if you want to see it. It was a turning point for me - that it's okay not to forgive those who don't deserve forgiveness. Of course, if we can do that, we should...but that's not always the case. Did Jesus forgive the Pharisees just because he should? Nope...he held them accountable for their actions.
And what about the people in the temple that were turning it into a marketplace? He was pretty firm about that, too.
I just think you need to get past that YOU won't be forgiven if you don't forgive - you already have been. Right?
I think we all deal with things like this to some degree. I know I do.
Having walked this walk with you, and knowing the magnitude of it, I think you have handled things extremely well -- with the same class and dignity for which I loved your wonderful mom.
As for me ... right or wrong, here's how I try to look at forgiveness...
When God forgives us, that is a gift that he gives to us. When we forgive others, though, it is not a gift we give to them. Particularly when the offendor is unrepentant, our forgiveness has nothing to offer them. Instead, our forgiveness of them is a gift we give ourselves. It is saying that we're not going to let another person's behavior affect our life, our attitude, our heart, or our feelings. It is saying that we're "moving forward" regardless of where they are, where they have been or where they will be in the future. It is, in all ways I believe, a gift to ourselves. Unlike God's forgiveness of us, our forgiveness of others has nothing to do with them.
i like what Todd said BECAUSE you need the healing that your forgiveness will give you as much as your sister does...however she is not eveb asking the question...listen to Todd..Forgive Her and live your life in that knowledge and Pray that someday SHE can forgive and quit living in her bitterness and isolation. All things are possible in Christ! Praise God! signed; an lpm post reader..i read your post and came to read!
I have almost the exact same circumstance in my family--many times over. Some things I have to remind myself over and over. First of all, forgiveness is a choice. You have to decide you are going to forgive the person. Lots of times that's easier said than done, but when you truly decide, "Hey, I'm going to forgive her." then it comes.
Secondly, you need to pray for this woman. Pray for blessings to come in her life. Pray for her safety when she travels, pray for her to have good health. It's extremely difficult to pray for someone and hold a grudge in your heart.
Third, you really know what you need to do. I think that's why you're asking. There is no easy way. Just take a step of faith. God would never tell us to forgive as we've been forgiven if it was an impossible task. Hard? Oh yeah, but He expects it.
Try to envision what God sees in this woman. God sees her hurt or anger. There has to be an underlying cause for why she has treated your family this way. Something in her past. Insecurity. Does hse need the Lord? Pray for insight.
Choose to forgive and then move on. Be kind to her even when she doesn't deserve it, because, as you know, God showed us kindness and more--even when we didn't deserve it.
I'll pray for you, Siesta!
I really appreciate all of the comments left here. There is a lot of good thoughts on forgiveness and it makes me feel not so alone to hear that others are facing similar situations. I think the key here is to continue to lift this up to God in prayer. Thanks!!!
Lisa
I had a horrible experience in a church, and the last thing I thought I'd ever do was forgive the ones who wronged me. This past year, during Lent, I was trying to keep a prayer journal, and one day my prayer ended up being that I would have the strength to want to forgive the players in the whole drama.
My prayer wasn't to forgive them. It was to want to. Sometime shortly later, I did want to. And then it was impressed on my heart that now I was supposed to love them too? So I've been since praying that I would want to love them.
The hardest prayers of my life.
Lisa, I think this kind of forgiveness is possible by taking the hurts over and over again to Him, since it was not a one-time thing and she continues to hurt people. I had a similar situation in my family. It isn't totally resolved but better. Sometimes I pray that God will send someone else or a message that she cannot receive from us for whatever reason. Maybe you are too close to the situation to fix all of the conflicts. Your job is to forgive, to be available if she wants to talk, to refrain from multiplying pain and pray for her. I can see your sweet spirit shining through your post. God sees your heart and will honor all that you have tried to do to make this better. --OH, and thanks for stopping by my site today!
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